Suggestions for a child

[Ariste]

Hey all. So I am having an issue. Tana is a very mature 9. I am trying to figure out how to phrase things so forgive me if i'm not clear or somehow offend. I have told her that she can explore whatever paths she wants and do encourage her to go to church with family members when she wants to. She likes to sing in the choir, and the socialization. I have told her that I am forbidding her to go through confirmation or joining a church as that is coming up in the next couple years. I don't think that 12-14 is old enough to make what is supposed to be a life long commitment. (and regret going through it myself at that age) Anyways I know she feels tremendous pressure from the grandparents on all sides to be Christian of some sort. I try very hard not to pressure her, but I do take her to open circles and try to teach her about pagan (mainly wiccan though i'm not, but that's most of whats out there) beliefs as well.

When she is with the grandparents she will pray to Jesus and even make snide little remarks to me to win their approval. For instance I once jokingly told her to stop growing (don't all parents wish that?) and she said something along the lines of "Well God wants me to grow to be healthy" with a large dose of attitude which was greated with a high five and an "alright!!" from my mom. grrrr...

When she's home its all about fairies, dragons, and gods and goddess. She writes lovely poems about nature and scolds me if i forget something is recyclable or forget the cloth grocery bags.

I am afraid she is torn inside, and I was thinking maybe introducing her to Christian Witchcraft might help ease that? I was wondering if anyone had any resources that might be good for someone her age. I personally don't know much about Christian Witchcraft and don't really desire to. I have fundamental issues with the Bible, the church (as a whole, not just catholics), and Christians in general and I am afraid if I try to work through things with her, my strong opinions might overshadow the learning. She's probably on about a 6th or 7th grade reading level.

[Tanya]

I would just back off it... really if she gets confirmed and later drops it, who cares? i got confirmed so my parents WOULD drop it, then as 'an adult in the church' I immediately went and QUIT
don't let religion become part of a power play... be what you are, make her feel welcome to ask questions, share and develop traditions. do not forbid... it is like painting the idea with honey

[Adalai]

I just think your smart lil' one is playing you.
She may be torn, but I think she's comfortable. Not tormented inside. I think if she was truly "torn" over it, she would look distressed when discussing it and avoid it. Not trying to shove one in your face in front of your parents and then go to a witchy-side/pagan-side when they're not around.

She may love Christian Witchcraft, but I think I'd back off. I think she's doing it because your "mom" Everyone knows when kids have awesome grandparents.. they're always better than moms and dads :P

I personally would check with my parents. Are they being non-biased? Are they encouraging her to decide for herself as well, or are they not "fighting fair" so to speak?

[Ariste]

No they are not "fighting fair" I have cut down some. Last year my mom had her going to a week of church camp, a week of day camp and 3 different VBS and then had the nerve to tell me to not "push my religion on my child' because I was taking her to 1 open circle with me. This year i just let her go to the week of church camp. They have laid off the "your mom is going to hell" bit because it REALLY distressed her. But they do pressure her to believe as they do. The other grandparents do as well to a lesser extent.

[TheWomanMonster]

My family did the same thing to me, I was 'saved' at 9, and baptized at age 15.
I went back and forth between Christian and Occult on a number of occasions. When I was 17 I decided that nothing really fit and left the church (there were other aggravating factors there too however).

I turned out just fine. (more or less).

Just stick to what you're doing now, letting her explore alternatives to the Christian faith when she's with you. And let her know that you will really and truly love her no matter what path she walks.

Talk to her openly about feeling hurt when she/your parents say something that stings. Like you being damned to hell for example.

Ask her what she thinks and feels, because I guarantee that she's not being given that opportunity with them.

I would say wait until she's a bit older to discuss Christian Witchcraft in any major detail, simply because a slip of her tongue among the wrong company would cause a lot of drama.

[Cloaked Raven]

Originally Posted by Tanya

I would just back off it... really if she gets confirmed and later drops it, who cares? i got confirmed so my parents WOULD drop it, then as 'an adult in the church' I immediately went and QUIT
don't let religion become part of a power play... be what you are, make her feel welcome to ask questions, share and develop traditions. do not forbid... it is like painting the idea with honey

I agree with Tanya.

And Ariste, I understand. Heck, I'm a Christian Witch and even I have a lot of problems with most fundamental Christians myself!!

[WindWeaver]

Such a tough spot to be in...

One... I would NOT forbid her from going through any ritual she chose to do... In effect, you are doing the same thing as your parents did making you go through them... You are taking away her free will... It's hard to remember that little people are still PEOPLE... and her spirituality is her own... even at a young age...

Two... I would try and see if you have some pagans in your area or in the nearest metro... Try to get her involved with other pagan children & families... It can feel very isolating **to be the only pagan in a room of christians**...

Three... Don't put too much stock in her "jibes"... She is trying to please everyone around her... If you let it go, then perhaps she won't feel like she has to choose one way or the other... Which is what you ultimately want anyway right??? For her to not have to choose until she's ready?

Four... Maybe (and I know sometimes it's impossible or the biggest maybe there is)... asking the grandparents to respect your parental boundaries and allow your daughter to make her own spiritual choices rather than trying to encourage her one way or the other????

Five... As far as Christian Witchery, you can always try... but as it can draw criticism from both sides (with some people not all) it can be hard to introduce your child to an alternative path that incoporates both if she has no one around her that does the same, or the people who do one or the other criticize/or tell her that's not the "Right" way to worship god... So I would really try for number two... There are practicing pagans with kids... Maybe get together for rituals and festivals?

[Ariste]

yeah that's kinda what we do now. I haven't been able to find many pagans really local...well there is a group i ran into but well, it's another "our way is the only way" group and I don't care for that. But within an hour's drive i have some friends with kids her age. It's just we can only afford to visit like once a month.

[sarabethv]

Dunno how it is with your parents, but you are the Mom. You can set the limits. I mean, where does your Mom get off telling YOU not to push your religion on her and then pushing her own?

I would not suggest forbidding her to attend with your parents; however, I would set some limits with both them and her.

For her, she is smart, and I doubt she is conflicted, she is playing both sides and probably knows she can get away with it. Tell her that she doesn't have to follow your beliefs, but she is not allowed the snarky comments at your expense either. This is a respect issue and she needs to see it for what it is.

As for the high five from your Mom - let her know that wasn't about religion or God, but disrespecting a parent, and if she continues to encourage that, you may decide Tana doesn't need to be around them so much.

Just remember that no matter how much we teach our children to be their own person, you are still the mom and responsible for her, and you deserve respect. Not to offend you, but they don't seem to be doing that (in this instance).

I once had a situation with my Mom who was undermining my parenting. I was also very lucky in that when I sat down with her and explained what I was doing and then asked her what she would have told anyone who did what she did when I was small. My Mom was teh awesome and immediately understood, and her reply was; "I would have told them to mind their own damned business."